How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
