Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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