I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
