I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
