You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
