I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
