I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
