I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
