Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
