Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
