I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
