i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
