Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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