I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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