Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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