She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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