loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He better not be in your backpack
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
