We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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