I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
