I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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