I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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