If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
