There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
