There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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