dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
