Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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