In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
