my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
