Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
