He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Houston, we have a blender
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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