i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
