I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
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