so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
