i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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