I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
