I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
There r osticjed everywhere
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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