I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
