dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Randomize
