She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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