last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
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