Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
