Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
