I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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