Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
