I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Dear god my vagina.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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