im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Betty ford says i'm here all night
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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