Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
We don't watch enough power rangers
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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