my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
His nipple licking is glorious
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