My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
