all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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